Germ Freak

Sweet Love has pinkeye. Gross, green gunk oozing out of his nearly 6-year old eyes.

Today I had to drag him to one of my most feared places on earth.

The clinic.

I have no problem dumpster diving, digging through a barn scattered with mouse crap or bug infested basements looking for treasures. Hell no. I love that. I just know I'm more likely to catch acute nasopharyngitus from the pen that I used at the check-in counter of the clinic versus the filthy turn-of-the-century pharmacy bottles that I found laying in a dusty basement.

You see, I am a bit neurotic about germs.

I am the girl who quickly analyzes which door handle will have the least amount of sick germs on it before I grab it. {The furthest door on the left because more people enter on the right using the left hand door because more people are right handed} and then wrap my sleeve to grab it or use just my pinky finger. If I had better balance I'd probably open doors with my feet. It's always a good day if I can time it when someone else is going in and I can breeze through 3 inches behind them.

I am the girl who, if you have a snotty nose and phlegmy cough and enter my house, will disinfect the door handle and/or anything else you have touched after you leave.

I am the girl who only touches an elevator button with her knuckle.

I am the girl who would never, ever come close to anything in public that is constantly touched by people. I balance on escalators and cringe when my kids and husband grab hold of the rail. Then I see them touch their nose and I want to die.

I am the girl who goes into cardiac arrest when the kids come home from school and tell me someone threw up in their class. Followed by the question, "Honey, did you play with Suzie Throwup today? How far away do you sit from her?"

I am the girl who will do as much self diagnosing online as possible, so I can remedy the sickness without going into the clinic. Unfortunately, my PhD is in Family Guy episodes and not medicine so I cannot prescribe the drugs necessary to cure what ails me and my family. Since some cases of conjunctivitis call for eye drops, I had to plummet to the depths of germ hell for over an hour with Sweet Love and his green goop.

I scan the waiting room for the safest place to sit.

Not anywhere near the nose blowers.

We will sit in a galaxy far, far away from the lady hunched over with sunglasses on. Something tells me this is not just a hangover.

Sweet Love and I settle down across from an elderly lady with a walker and oxygen tank. Other than her breathing machine, she looks healthy as a horse, so I probably won't get some airborne virus by sitting across from her. She looks adorable dressed in a white nightgown with the predictable curly-white-old-lady-hair complemented by her white pasty skin. As I listen to the rhythmic hissing of her breathing machine, my gaze goes down to her feet.

Right below her age spotted cankles I see the shoes. A pair of killer old school moccasins with a beaded eagle motif. She has no idea the shoes she is wearing are super duper cool. She doesn't give a crap because at this stage in life, she's going for comfort.

I love her. This adorable little old lady with breathing machine and sweet kicks.

I wonder what her life story is.

Then I smile.

And I forget about germs for awhile.

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